GM and Segway's Prototype Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility (PUMA) Vehicle demonstrated April 4th in Brooklyn. (Reuters)
After 18 months of top-secret collusion, the failing auto manufacturer General Motors Corp has teamed up with Segway LLC to make the ultimate Nerd Transportation Unit (NTU) or as they put it “Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility” (PUMA) vehicle. Resembling some sort of bizzare cross between Segway’s unsuccessful Personal Transporter and a golf cart, the PUMA is in essence a motorized wheel chair on steroids. Powered by two lithium-ion batteries and balancing on two wheels, the nerd pod can travel at a top speed of 35 mph for a maximum range of 35 miles on a single charge. Designed possibly based on the premise that today’s urban traffic is not hectic enough, the PUMA provides the potential to fill cities around the world with idiots flying around the streets at 35 mph in two-wheeled golf carts.
When this chick-magnet of a design for a new vehicle was demonstrated in Brooklyn Saturday April 4th the American public positively pissed themselves at the astounding creativity and feats of engineering that GM and Segway have demonstrated in the past 18 months. “After receiving billions in tax dollars to bail out our company, we are pleased to announce that our American ingenuity has shown through in this time of crisis in spite of our slashing of product-development programs. Our last 18 months of work has culminated in adding a roll-cage and seats to a long-existing product and hailing it as an amazing new prototype,” said GM CEO Frederick Henderson in a statement. Also, the PUMA will be great for picking up girls… but only in the literal sense–if they agree to be caught dead riding in one.
On the topic of being caught dead, in terms of safety, the PUMA nerd pods will feature “vehicle-to-vehicle communication and autonomous driving and parking.” Unfortunately it doesn’t communicate with, say, the 18-wheeler that is barreling towards it–well except with perhaps a satisfying crunch–or the pedestrians and cyclists that are mowed down when you take this thing for a “walk” in the park on autopilot. Also, the PUMA features the ability to rotate 360º within it’s own footprint, so if anyone needs help parking it, perhaps they should seriously re-evaluate driving anything, ever.
The PUMA nerdmobile is aimed to be developed by 2012 according to GM and will face stiff competition from other already-existing two-wheel technologies that are popular on the market today–namely small motorcycles and bicycles. Motorcycles are just as maneuverable (if not more so), gas efficient, street-legal, go much faster and further, and offer equal protection in the event of a crash: none whatsoever. Bicycles can go practically anywhere in the city reasonably quickly, have zero emissions, are inexpensive, all the while providing urban dwellers with some much-needed exercise. However, to each his own, so all those interested come 2012 put on your pocket protectors, get in line, and make sure you have insurance.
Videos:
News Links:
http://www.freep.com/article/20090407/BUSINESS01/904070334/GM++
Segway+team+up+on+two-wheeled+concept
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123906731177395605.html
John Wiley & Sons to Release New Educational Series Following the Success of Their For Dummies Publications
Tuesday, March 24th, 2009John Wiley & Sons New For Complete and Utter Fucking Morons Reference Series
The New Jersey based publishing giant John Wiley & Sons known to some for their widely popular For Dummies educational series has confirmed today that they will be releasing another line of publications similar to the familiar yellow-covered books. Hinged upon the success of its predecessor, the new series to be titled For Complete and Utter Fucking Morons, or CUFMs for short, will focus on delivering knowledge at an even-more comprehensible level than the currently-available For Dummies references.
Deborah Wiley, senior vice president and head of corporate communications, spoke on the subject, “Due to the overwhelming enthusiasm the public has shown for our Dummies guides, we have made it our objective to reach an even broader audience with our new series. With literacy and education on a continual decline along with the rise of the ‘YouTube’ generation, we have decided that in order to stay competitive as a publishing company our reference books need to be more lucid and easily-comprehensible than ever before. It is an increasing concern that as this generation grows older and becomes our potential customers, the 6th grade reading level of our For Dummies series may be completely beyond their reading capacity.”
The new series will emphasize the dumbing down of material contained in the current Dummies series and in some cases may not contain words at all. Detailing further, Ms. Wiley addressed, “We like to use pictures and diagrams as much as possible to minimize the amount of reading that is required to utilize our books. In situations where we have to use linguistics to describe a task we will follow a strict proofreading procedure that ensures there is no proper use of grammar or correct spelling anywhere in these guides. Also our senseless use of abbreviations in these guides will save on printing costs and help preserve the environment by using less paper. Thinking ahead, we believe the integration of all these elements will make these guides accessible for the newer, less-literate generations as well as people who are just really stupid in general…” After a pause, “which there are many,” she concluded.
Examples of titles that will be released in the near future include:
Many of the books in the new series serve a dual function as both a reference guide as well as a public service such as:
“We’re tremendously excited about this ground-breaking new series, and we’re all really looking forward to its release in the near future. I think a lot of people stand to benefit from these guides” Wiley said.
Tags: cellphone ettiquette, darwinism, For Complete and Utter Fucking Morons, For Dummies, John Wiley, MySpace angle, YouTube commenting
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »